AJ and I are sitting here in the twin bed we have in the nursery for the nights I’m so uncomfortable I need to go into another bed to avoid keeping him up all night…we are surrounded by our changing table on one side and our crib on the other… it seems fitting to be writing about pregnancy in this place while AJ occasionally leans over from reading or looking at real estate (his obsession) to feel how Baby has just shifted.
We got pregnant on the pill. In the first month I wrestled with feelings I’m embarrassed to say I had… I wasn’t ready for a baby and I was scared I would be a terrible mother. AJ and I hadn’t even been married a year and we had just purchased a major fixer upper three and a half months before. The toilet was literally sinking through the floor, the kitchen oven took an hour to preheat and the electrical system consisted of fuses.
AJ was definitely more excited than I was and made a comment that it was probably good that pregnancy happened this way… I never would have said I’d be ready otherwise. And I think he’s right. There always would have been a promotion, a house to fix up, trips to take…
Then we had our first ultrasound. And it didn’t go well. They found a high neucal measurement at the back of the neck, which at only eight weeks they were telling us were a beginning sign of Down’s Syndrome or Cystic Hygroma (a fatal condition). And from that point on there were no “congratulations!” from doctors and at every appointment we were told how to terminate the pregnancy. During this time, more than any other during my life, I learned the meaning of praying constantly. I guess sometimes it takes knowing you are going to lose something to make you want it. Really want it.
We realized that instead of going to varsity soccer games we may be going to Special Olympic games. We realized that Baby may not talk eloquently, or at all. We realized that Baby may never look like a Baby Gap model. And we were okay with that, we still wanted him. God had entrusted him to us for what might be 6 more weeks or may be 60 more years… we didn’t know.
We did a lot of reading and it looked like doctors sometimes made a bigger deal out of the measurements than the situation required (but I guess when you could be hit with a multi-million dollar lawsuit you would make a bigger deal out of a situation). A lot of the reading said that babies’ development can be pretty varied for the first 20 weeks and then it’ll sort of pan out and they’ll be on an even playing field. So we waited. We went to Greece and met David and Elizabeth Sparks, our tour guides, and they shared the story of their son Adam being diagnosed with leukemia when he was not even a year old. They shared how scared and frightened they were and how they had to rely on the Lord the entire time and how they committed Adam to him. And that was exactly what AJ and I had to do with Baby.
Currently, the tests have all come back with great reports on Baby. He is moving like a little monkey and is a week ahead of weight predictions. The doctors can’t guarantee anything as far as his health but they think it looks promising… so why, WHY, did we have to go through weeks of uncertainty when we weren’t even READY for a baby? I don’t know but I do know that I’m entering into motherhood so excited to see, and love on, this little guy who has been kicking me for the past 15 weeks. He is precious and wanted whether his health is perfect or not. He is our unexpected gift.