The day after Drew was born Warren and Danielle came into the hospital to visit. As we were sitting around talking Warren asked me how (or if) having a baby made me think about pregnancy differently. I didn’t want to answer right away because I’d only had my baby for about 30 hours at that point… so here is my attempt at answering the question, eight days later.
The simple answer to your question is that I’d do pregnancy again. I’d go through the shock of finding out we were pregnant, the sickness, even if it were doubly bad, and the endless doctor’s reports and all the fear again in order for us to have Drew. We are in love… as evidenced by us telling him every five minutes how precious he is and how we can’t stop kissing his face. I’m pretty sure he’s going to have some kind of rash from AJ’s five o’clock shadow because he constantly kisses him. 🙂
The other day we found out that Eric Dokken’s sister had died from a very severe case of cerebral palsy. We watched the amazing video tribute he put together for her funeral and I sat there and cried and cried (it was a little embarrassing because we were in Panera) and as I looked at Drew I thought back to all the predictions the doctors gave us and how they were as dire as what Eric’s sister had to live with. And as I looked at sweet Drew I knew I’d take him in an instant even if he had a million disabilities.
Everyone told me, Warren, that my life would change the second I held him. It didn’t, and that made me scared. I loved him but it wasn’t this overwhelming feeling everyone talked about. It could have been because I was still sort of out of it from the c-section, I don’t know, but I do know that when I fed him for the first time that is when the overwhelming protective urge and love kicked in. I was the provider of food for this little guy, I was the person he knew best and AJ and I were the two people who would be solely responsible for him.
My biggest fear during pregnancy was that I would be a terrible mom, especially because I wasn’t “ready”. I worried about my inability to change a diaper without it falling off of Drew. I worried my klutziness would kick in while I was holding him and I’d drop him (this is still a reoccurring fear). I worried that nothing would come naturally. Growing up, Kim was the baby-sitter who has turned into the incredible first grader teacher. I was the one with the lawn mowing business who loved event planning (weird combo, I know). But here’s the thing I learned maybe about five seconds into feeding him for the first time. I’m not a terrible mom and I won’t be. I may have a lot to learn but I came from a house where I watched two fabulous parents raise me. Even if I’ve never had the desire to work with children for a living like AJ or Kim I know some great tips on how to raise a child just from growing up. And if I don’t know how to do something, I have no problem asking for help. Because this has been an overwhelming worry to me as I sat in the hospital bed I started to think of raising a child from an event planners perspective, not from the perspective of someone scared of messing up. I needed to think of raising Drew in terms of something I understood instead of looking at it through my fear and complete uncertainty of the future… But I think I’ll talk more about that in another post because I’m really hungry for some breakfast, AJ just made me a waffle with blueberries and cranberries that Tammy brought over. 🙂